Fear and Failure

Wednesday afternoon I finally got back in the water with my kite gear. It has been a long time since I have had the opportunity to go kiting. Being in the North Sound is kind of like kiting heaven. You can walk or dinghy to the kite beach, the breeze is side on, and there is a big reef to windward that keeps the chop down. Though the kiting is great in Antigua and other islands it can be a mission to get to the launch spots so the ease of getting there and rigging up makes BEYC an awesome spot to kite from. Kiting is still a new sport for me and every time I launch my heart beats a little faster. There is a lot of power behind the kite and bad things can happen if you're not careful. Kitemares, as they're called, can happen to everyone, even seasoned kiters. Getting caught in a squall, losing the wind and not having enough power to get back upwind, breaking a line or ripping a kite can all be really scary. I have been lucky, and cautious, and haven't ended up in any serious situations.
 I was out on the water by 1pm and had a great session whipping back and forth, reaching on the breeze. Though all my muscles were screaming, being kite fit takes some time on the water, I kept going for the illusive one more run. I got a little greedy and stayed out a little too long. There is a lull in the wind as the water and land heat up and it drops in pressure around 2:30 or 3 everyday for about an hour. Alas on my last run I didn't make it back to the beach and ended up too far downwind, without enough power to get back up to the beach. I tried and tried to tack my way back upwind but ended up further down wind on the beach on Prickly Pear Island. Slipping below the line of the beach instantly instills fear into my gut. Not making it back to the beach is a big fat failure to me, even though it happens to everyone once in a while. I don't know where it comes from but failing at things really bugs me. Eventually a dinghy came by and offered to give me a ride back to the beach. Though it really hurts my pride to get rescued by a dinghy, it's nice to know that people are generally willing to help someone out.
When I woke up yesterday morning it seemed like my whole body ached. I decided not to run and to go kiting again in the afternoon. My kite has 4 lateral inflatable struts that help it hold it shape when it is flying. While flying it on Wednesday I realized one of my struts had deflated. Thankfully, my kite is pretty small and having that one strut out didn't effect it too much. I tried to re-glue the inflate valve that had come off with some PVC glue that has had good results on a lot of the kites here. Unfortunately, my kite is also pretty old and they were using a different polymer to make the tubes in '09, one that doesn't stand up to PVC glue and cleaner. The glue ate through the plastic and made the problem worse. I was bummed out for a while until Ben pointed out that the kite had flown fine the day before with the strut totally deflated, and that I should give it another go. I pumped up my kite and rigged up my lines and headed back out. I had a great day on the water. Though I came in after less than an hour, being tired, I decided after a little break that I wanted to fly some more. I have been trying to learn how to jump with my kite. If you have seen any photos of videos of professional kiters you will see them jump and do tricks in the air. Having the kite in the air allows you to jump really high and, if you know how to use the kite, allows you to land pretty softly. I am not at big airs stage. I am still learning how to use the kite to lift me off the water and get pretty excited when I feel my board lift just inches above the water. Though I know how to move the kite, and how to jump and land on a board I find the primary factor that keeps me from flying through the air is fear. Fear of losing control of my landing, or the kite dragging me into something downwind leaves me timidly moving my kite into the power position and just kissing the tops of the waves. I rode for awhile longer and came in when the final big blast of breeze was filling in at the end of the day. All around I had a good feeling about being on the water and having the skills and knowledge to control my kite. The thing that was lacking was the fearlessness that we all grow out of all too quickly. If we weren't scared of failing, what kinds of things would we be able to do?
I was offered a potential job this week moving a boat further then I have every sailed in one go. It would also be a boat that I would be skippering. Though I've sailed more miles this year than some yachties do in their careers, I realized that these two factors still make me very nervous. Surely it would just be another delivery, but with me in charge? What about squalls? What about things breaking? I know what to do in most situations, and can figure my way through the rest, but the big F factor still stands. Fear and Failure or Fear of Failure? That is a lot of F's.
All of this was in my mind this morning as I woke up early to run to Oil Nut Bay. My legs felt stiff from kiting and my body felt tired again. Though it has been almost 2 weeks since arriving in St. Lucia, I'm still struggling with any kind of speed of fluidity. I know that feeling of running free and loose is just a few runs away, but right now I am standing at the bottom of a really steep hill wondering if I can get up it. Is this 30 mile thing a crazy-doomed-for-failure-attempt-at-a-good-blog-title? At dinner last night my friend pointed out that 30 miles is an awful lot and that I should probably "go european" on the whole thing and try for 30 km instead. I laughed last night but had a serious thought about it this morning as my pace showed 9:40. There are a couple big hills on the run to ONB that the big construction trucks have trouble getting up and I ended up walking up some of the second one.
My pace picked up after I turned around to head back to the beach. I know stamina and speed will come back, it's just not there yet.
So tomorrow I'll run again, and if the squalls clear up today I'll go back out with my kite and try to jump a little higher. And if this delivery offer goes through I'll step up into those Dubarry boots. All the time hoping I don't have to share a big fat failure with you all. But I will. My friend Meredith once commented that you can't have really great, high on life moments, if you don't also feel the low ones. The feeling of being invincible isn't as strong if you don't also know how failure feels.
Go do something today that scares you.

This is my friend Eric. Not me. 

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